Fuu...
...uuck!
Hello, gorgeous.
Jesus.
I wish someone could tell me how to just once
wake up without a splitting headache.
You could drink less.
Thank you, Coco. That's very helpful.
Place looks nice.
Yes. We were both getting up early to clean it today, remember?
I'd have just gotten in the way.
You did get in the way. That's why I moved you to your bed.
Evie.
Yeah?
What do you think about the idea of having a dog in the house?
I'm sorry. Have I been staring?
I'm thinking of getting one.
At this point, I'm probably never gonna have kids.
Coco, it's not too late.
I'm kidding!
A dog sounds fun.
It sounds depressing, is what it sounds.
"Do you have kids?"
"No, but I have a dog. "
"Well, it's the same thing, you crazy, barren old hag. "
This new roommate will cheer you right up.
I just hope she's not too loud.
Or happy.
Happy people always make such a racket.
She came by, and she was a peach.
- Were you drunk? - It was 12 noon.
Of course I was drunk.
I'm surprised anybody would rent that awful Bicentennial room.
What?
I rented Varla yourr room.
- What? - You'll be the one in the...
...in the Bicentennial room.
Evie, I have seniority.
Bet that's her.
All you do is take advantage of me.
And I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Ooh, she's a happy one.
Hello! You must be Yoo Hoo.
Coco.
- I'm Varla. - Hello, Varla.
Let me help you with your duffel bag.
My things are in the Cabriolet.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's just your ass.
Jesus Christ!
Well, this is the backyard.
You have a pool?
Nothing like that first puke of the day! Martini?
Happy hour for me never starts till after five.
Me either. This is only number three.
Varla was just telling me how she came here from Arkansas.
Right. To become a big movie star.
And singing sensation.
Well, you know, it's not as simple as just showing up.
You also have to fill out the application.
I realize how tough it can be. But that's why I have a plan.
I'm gonna spend every afternoon at Schwab's Drugstore.
You know, where Tina Turner was discovered.
Except it's a Virgin Megastore now.
Are people still discovered there?
Yes, but mainly in the men's room by undercover cops.
You know, her plan could work.
When I was first starting out,
I ran into Fred MacMurray at the Brown Derby
just when they were casting Flubberr.
We hit it off so well, he threw a juicy part my way.
Then he put you in the movie.
Well, I hate to brag, but acting is sort of in my blood.
You see, my mother was Marla Simonds.
- 'Cause of her! - I can't finish this.
Your mother was Marla Simonds?
Chesty on Fill Herr Up.
the short-lived but widely acclaimed summer spin-off of CPO Slharrkey.
Damn it. That was a lot of martini.
- Did you know her? - Goodness, yes.
We were always running into each other at auditions.
She had such a bright future, too.
We were all so shocked when she offed herself.
- Evie! - I'm sorry.
Passed herself away.
They shipped me off to Arkansas right after, so I...
I have so many questions.
- What was she like? - Very sweet.
- And a big pothead. - Evie!
Loved cock.
Coco is sexophobic.
- Did you ever work with her? - No, but you know what?
She almost got my breakthrough role in Asterroid.
Still, there were never any hard feelings.
She even came to the big housewarming party I threw
to help my friends celebrate my success.
My mother... was here?
Everyone was.
Marla, Rip Taylor... everyone.
You know what?
I think the universe sent me here for a reason.
It's telling me I'm supposed to follow in my mother's footsteps.
If I can become a big movie star,
then maybe in a way, her life wouldn't have been for nothing.
How do you figure?
Piece of shit.
Evie, help!
Hi.
I didn't realize you knew this room still existed.
I come in here plenty.
Look.
Cher Allman decided to drop her last name altogether.
With that new girl in the house, I've got to keep up.
Three hours in, and you're already competing.
- Just like with her mom. - That's not what this is!
Oh, my God!
What?
Oh, Evie, when I was at Vassar,
I became... with child...
and I had a...
...procedure.
Tlhat's your big secret? An abortion?
- Have you had one? - One?
I've had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage.
Well, anyway, there's more.
I was still very young myself,
so, needless to say, I was quite nervous.
But, Evie,
when that doctor walked in. - my fear -melted like...
snow in a... -melter.
So, is this your first abortion?
Yeah.
He was confident and kind...
There you go.
- And I know this souds crazy... - Yeah, hold still.
...but even in ourr brrief ti-me togetlherr.
I felt our souls touclh.
It's over?
Afterwards. I tried to -make contact.
but tlhey didn't give out na-mes on account of all tlhe slhootings.
I must have the doctor's name!
All I knew was Ihe worked on Tuesdays.
- And. Evie... - Young man.
...tlhat's wlhen I Ihatclhed - my evil plan.
- You're on the pill, right? - Of course I am.
Think I want to get pregnant?
I took on all comers-
class-mates. teaclhers...
- ... -my priest. - You're going straight to hell!
My reputation went into a tailspin. but I didn't care.
I was a wo-man obsessed.
Tlhen one -morning- a Tuesday. if you believe in fate...
I ran to that clinic so fast. I'm lucky I didn't -miscarry.
Time had only -made him - more handsome.
Look who it is. My favorite patient.
I smiled at him.
He smiled back.
And. Evie. tlhat's wlhen I saw it-
Ihe Ihad goTTen -married.
What's wrong?
- I was so distrauglht. - Nothing.
I couldn't even enjoy our inti-macy.
Here I come.
I'm not proud of what I did.
In fact, I haven't slept through a night since.
But when I do sleep...
...I dream of him.
I'll bring the rest when you finish with that.
Stay close.
I saw you sitting all alone, looking so very beautiful.
Thank you.
My apology for being so bold,
but when I see the best, I have to have it.
Well, you know...
a Maserati needs much more pampering than a Toyota.
This is not a problem
if the Maserati will take its driver where he wants to go.
Maseratis don't do anal.
I think we understand each other.
So, what brings you lunching this afternoon?
It's not the exact malt shop where Tina Turner was discovered
by a big producer, but it is the closest one to it...
...that had apple crumble.
Do you know that I am movie producer?
Really?
Where on earth did you produce that charming accent?
Bulgrapulatvinskerbina.
Waiter!
Yes, Bulgrapulatvinskerbinians, we do not bathe.
Can't tell.
But that does remind me, I should refreshen my perfume.
So I said, "Why am I laughing?
We're doing it doggy style, and your name is Barker. "
That used to be George Peppard's house.
Great lay.
But talk about loud- they knew he was coming in Oxnard.
Evie, I'm not sure about this.
Coco, I've done this a million times.
- This sounds dangerous. - Dangerous?
Coco, I slam on the brakes,
the poor sap behind us doesn't,
then this quack I know says we're injured,
and my ambulance-chaser son sues them for all they're worth!
- It's like stealing money! - It is stealing money.
June Allyson.
They offered me that commercial for Depends.
Lot of money, too.
Just one little problem- I don't shit my pants.
Plus, I want to show Poppy his new home.
Jackpot!
At the time of the accident, had you been drinking?
No. I was sober.
- Ma, this guy's lawyer- - Fine! I hadn't been drinking.
Not even one drink?
One drink? What's that?
I'm gonna start with Coco.
They kept her overnight at the hospital.
- Is she gonna be okay? - I hope so.
Do we get more if she dies?
Mom! Aunt Coco is my favorite-
Hi.
Varla.
Varla! This is my son...
Stevie.
- Hello, Stevie. - Hi, Varla.
That's a pretty name for a pretty girl.
It's also kind of a fat name.
Which is good, too.
I'm glad I'm pretty,
because I'm taking a big producer to dinner tonight.
Maybe I'll go on a date tonight, too.
That guy who hit us slipped me his number.
He had to, Mom. It's the law.
Well, did he have to flirt with me while we waited for the cops?
He said, "Look the fuck where you're going,
you drunk corpse. "
It was more in his body language.
I know I'm not a big-shot producer,
but I get jobs for Mom sometimes.
I don't know why you bother.
They all run screaming when they see your tiny dick.
- Mom! - What, it's not?
The doctor changed his mind twice before calling him a boy.
When it comes to men, I look for what's on the inside.
Then you're in luck, 'cause his dick practically is.
Hi, Jeff!
You rammed into me today, and I want seconds.
Why are you doing so far from me?
Be closer.
Oh, yes, this is much more romantic.
You see that girl at the bar? She's a whore.
How can you tell?
Whores are sexy. Do you know why?
Because it's their job?
Because they do it for love.
Tonight she is going to give all the money she make
to one most very important man.
Right, or he'll cut her.
Also to prove that she cares.
As a producer,
I have many actress, they tell me that they care.
But a whore... A whore prove it.
Laurent...
I care.
And would you like to prove?
Heavens, yes.
More than I'd like to finish those Bob Hope Nachos.
I think we understand each other.
Waitress!
And I'm glad I could coax you over.
At first I was afraid you'd think it a bit strange.
Why, 'cause you're so old?
'Cause of how we met, silly-billy.
- What's this? - Let me turn it on.
I love turning things on.
- It's raining! - Nice.
I'll sell it to you for $5,000.
That's okay.
I'm kidding. I could never part with it anyway...
for less than 3,500 rock bottom.
- You know Mary Tyler Moore? - Very well.
We did Niglht of a Tlhousand Stars together.
Funny story- she has diabetes.
It's always been sort of a fantasy of mine to sleep with a big movie star.
Well, tonight might just be the night your fantasy comes true.
Why? Who's coming?
Me.
Asteroid.
- I'm sory, I didn't see it. - Oh, you're the one.
I'm kidding.
- But BaTTlestar Galactica. - No.
- Tlhe Facts of Life go to Europe? - No.
Tabitlha!
I just realized tonight is my laundry night.
Court TV.: Celebrities Wlho Kill.
You're the Hit-and-Run Hooch Hound!
Cleanup in ICU.
Hello.
Hi. You gave us quite a scare there...
Coco.
What happened?
All I remember is this truck-
Poppy!
I'm sory.
He's gone?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Didn't you get your morphine?
No. But in fairness, the nurse seemed really sleepy.
Which is just as well, really, 'cause I usually don't take such strong-
Trust me. It's the pizza of drugs.
Dr. Perfect?
Patient Beautiful.
Five bucks. Make it last.
Thank you, sir.
My pimp and I appreciate your business.
So-
Okay, enough child's play.
Do you got any porn?
Maybe, left over from my husband.
Could we, for a goof?
Okay. It'll be kind of old, though.
That's fine.
- And man-on-man. - Anything.
I wanted to look for you,
but I was afraid you'd reject me when you heard.
Heard what?
When I fall for a woman,
I become her emotional slave.
I'll manage.
God. I had hoped you'd be a lifeless kisser.
And in a few years, when your ass begins to sag-
But, Dr. Perfect, it's sagging now.
No.
She's famous, she's famous...
What's wrong? Did my glass eye roll back?
I'll fix it.
Oh, yeah.
She's famous.
Oh, yeah!
"Miss Harris. -my drinking has been spinning out of control lately.
"But last nignt -made -me realize I've hit bottom and need help.
Tlhank you. Jeff. "
It feels so good to make a difference.
You promised to pick me up at the hospital.
I know, but I really needed the extra sleep.
No, I believe the phrase you're searching for is "I'm sory. "
You're the one who believed me.
Have you ever been on morphine?
Once, when I had my eyes done.
Then every day for ten years after that. Why?
It's too horible to talk about.
- I'm in love! - My date went great, too.
What's wrong?
It's too horible to talk about, thank God.
Laurent is charming
and handsome
and sexy.
And he really makes me feel like I'm worth something.
That stain is from us.
Plus, he is going to give me a role in his new feature film!
Congratu...
I love you. I love you.
Phooey! I'm late for our love game.
Take these for the ride, you huge cow.
Excuse me?
I'm kidding.
Jesus.
Here you go, pimpleton.
It would have been more,
but that football team beat me and ran.
Get back out there.
But I'm so sore already.
Like my heart is sore when you are away from me.
Laurent, you should write paper towels.
Varla, you're coming with me.
This is none of your concern, my friend.
I'm not your friend, pal.
Stevie, Laurent and I are just playing a love game.
I make $1,000, and then he puts me in his feature film.
Don't you see what's going on here?
This ass-wipe is a con man, and he's turned you into a whore.
If you could hear yourself speak right now.
Loved blowing you. Thanks for the tip.
Okay, fine. You need $1,000?
Here. Here's...
420.
I'm still a C and a fin-saw short.
That's all I've got.
Your shoes look new.
There, Laurent. I don't see any cameras.
Yes, hello. Thank you. Good-bye.
The film, it was canceled.
There's some people out there you just gotta watch out for.
I'm starting to see that now.
I guess I never had anybody to show me who they are.
Well, you do now.
I know what it's like to grow up without a mom.
Don't you listen to her, either.
You're a man because of what's in here,
not in...
Down a little.
To the left. Now up. You went past it.
...here.
Go back a little more. More. Stop.
There.
Really?
Press down.
Try rolling your fingers back and forth.
I'm sure when it's firm...
Well, it kind of-
So, listen, how about tomorow night I take you out
for a great big steak dinner?
Your mom is my roommate.
Sure.
Okay.
But thanks for the money and the shoes.
If you're like -me.
your days are ja-m-packed with activity.
It seems that no sooner ? watching -my programs
that a new -magazine arrives.
And sudderly.?.
That's why I'm so grateful
for new Bizzy Gal's Diner's Ready.
our keep Bizzy Gal right in your cabinets.
No -more lugging open that heavy freezer door.
And the exhausting chore of reheating-a the of the past!
Bizzy Gal -meals are treated with Nutri-Dation.
which reheats the chemically unstable
in a way that feels just like heat in your -mouth.
All they'll know is it tastes great.
Bizzy Gal Dirnner's Ready is sold as a novelty item
and is not intended for human consumption.
Side effects of of injestion could include cancer
bleeding enlargment of the heart
and second degree burns along the rectal cavity.
resulting in irreversible incontinece.
Us gals have it hard enough.
Congratulations, Varla.
Thanks. Stevie got it for me.
So, are you and he...
No.
I need someone with a... bigger heart.
I remember my first commercial.
Do you have a tape? I could learn so much.
It wasn't for TV exactly.
I used to come out between acts
and sing this darling song about Dr. Vim's Miracle Elixir.
That's what led to my first kinetoscope.
If only my mother had lived to see my very first-
Well, that's enough about your commercial.
Tlhat was tlhe worst one yet.
According to -my calculator.
the asteroid will pernetrate the "astmosphere" in 15-minutes.
Oh. Billy...
all the children.
you saved all you could with the space ark.
But what about all the people
who could have fit into space arks three and two?
If ony the president had listened to -me.
As I should have when you were pro-moted over -me.
but I was just too -macho.
Or -maybe I was so busy being an...
astro-physi-cist...
that I forgot how to be...
...a wo-man.
Motherfuck.
Good night, Coco.
Good night, hon.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Pipe down in there.
School day tomorow.
Santa Claus has entered.
Is your -mo-m-my ho-me?
My -mother died
in 1975.
Sad face.
Santa Claus has left.
Mommy?
I'm home.
Shut up!
- I heard screaming. - Jesus, what?
I had this dream.
Ever since the hospital.
I think that doctor gave me morphine and then raped me.
Oh, my God.
So, it's a sex dream.
Here, have some chocolate- Have some peach sorbet.
The babies. It doesn't make sense.
There's no connection.
And I cry for no reason and blame myself.
I've been slowly cutting off my toe with a nail file,
and I have no idea why!
I went in on a television motion picture about rape,
and in the back of the script was a number for a support hotline.
Jesus Christ, Varla.
Does everything around here have to be about your fucking career?
I was only trying to help.
I know what you were only trying to do.
I've seen your type before plenty.
You worm your way into the life of a huge star-
next thing I know, you've stolen my son and my maid.
Well, I won't let you steal my career!
No, that's your specialty!
Sleepy.
Asteroid was supposed to be my mom's big break, not yours!
She spent two months preparing for that role,
working with her being-crushed coach.
I can still remember her practicing.
"It's huge!"
Little did she know that in Hollywood,
the real killer asteroids don't fall from the sky!
Still raped over here.
- Oh, my God, I'm on fire! - I thought you were Varla.
Oh, my God! Evie, I'm burning!
Burns-cold water.
There you go.
I'm serious. I'll do anything they offer.
Except porno.
Mom, you doing porn isn't porn anymore-it's horor.
Everyone, this is Nipsy.
- Nipsy, this is everyone. - Hey, Nipsy.
- Boy or girl? - From you.
He's a boy.
No, seriously, supposing just for an instance
they suddenly need a new Bizzy Gal after tonight,
or tomorow morning, latest.
Mom, no one will hire you.
Why not?
I mean, I admit my looks are starting to go...
Starting to go? Evie, your looks are home and in bed.
I think you know.
- My attitude? - No.
- My drinking. - No.
Chronic lateness? Never learn my lines?
The kleptomania? I spread disease?
Then what?
That little thing where you ran over a family of four while drunk?
It was a family of six. I only killed four.
And what kind of people have a picnic in their own backyard?
- Mom. - What?
Nipsy.
What's wrong with him?
Nipsy!
That was for Varla.
Co-ming up. Evie Harris vo-mits her way off the Hollywood Squares
when Has-Beens continues.
If you're like -me. your days are ja-m-packed with activity.
It see-ms that no sooner a- m I done watching -my pro-
If you're like -me. your days are ja-m-packed with activity.
Us gals have it hard enough.
Us gals have it hard-
...have it hard... hard...
...hard enough.
It's huge!
I think Bizzy Gal is the -most i-mportant thing
to happen for wo-men
since they were e- mancipated fro-m slavery.
...1975 People's Pick Awards!
I can't finish this.
...Leonard Ni-moy. Charo. Robert Reed...
I heard about Asteroid. Congratulations.
...Ted Knight. Joey Heatherton.
The Os-mond Five. Lee Majors.
Allen Ludden. Willia-m Conrad...
No!
Never, dude. You're never going to look normal again.
Dr. Benson.
- He drug and rape you yet? - No.
Coco. I was going to call.
How nice.
A girl always likes that after she's been drugged and raped.
Right. About that, I am so sory.
Sory?
Then I guess that makes it okay that you drugged and raped me.
Jesus Christ, I get the fucking point.
Look, you have every right to be ticked.
And I know it's no excuse, but can I try to explain?
- Explain? - You reminded me of someone.
Years ago, when I was first starting out...
...the most beautiful girl came to see me.
I felt our souls touch.
But I froze.
I tried to get in touch with her later,
but the clinic's records were anonymous because of the letter bombs.
Dr. Perfect?
Patient Huge Tits?
- It's really you! - It's really you!
When you came back after I'd lost hope and maried, I broke.
I couldn't date anyone without comparing them to you.
Coco, God has given us a second chance,
and I say we take it.
You still shouldn't have raped me.
Really super sory.
- To... - Right. Thanks.
Dr. Perfect.
Nice, princess. Real sexy.
Chester, this will be where you poop.
That's a good poop, Chester.
God, what did they feed you at that kennel?
Come on!
Guess who's going to be in a movie.
- Me? - Congratulations, Varla!
What's it called?
I think Counter Girl. because that's the name of my role.
Tarantulatropolis.
So no more commercials for you.
I told Stevie those tiny little parts do nothing for me.
I need great big parts.
Stevie, why didn't you put me up for that part?
I could only recommend one person.
That's obviously a lie because she's practically two.
I'm sory.
A little less binge, a little more purge.
Damn it, Mom, shut up!
Why should I lift a finger for you? What have you ever done for me?
Caried you to term, for starters.
Coco would have had you sucked out for a phone number.
Evie, I can't believe you would...
Stop! Quiet!
I'm sory for the things I said the other day.
And I know my recent success has been stressful.
I'm sory for that, too.
Well, good.
Evie, Varla said she's sory for what she said.
I heard her.
Well, you said some mean things, too.
Like what?
Like she's all binge and no purge.
- I did? That's funny. - Mom!
It's okay.
I was thinking.
I bet the reason you're having trouble getting parts
is that people have forgotten how great you are.
So you gotta show 'em,
just like you did in your wonderful special Christ-mas Evie.
I remember watching it that year, even though I was still quite small.
I'm sure not for your age.
And I remember wanting to meet you.
No one's going to give Mom a special.
I know.
Even though they should.
But late at night, when they have those infomercials on
where they sell that makeup and stuff...
I could do one selling me.
A speci-mercial!
Do you have any idea how much that would cost?
$40,000. I already checked.
Plus production costs.
I would be willing to give $10,000 of my Tarantulatropolis money.
Varla, that is so generous.
We'd still have to mortgage the house.
I'll make it back tenfold when the parts start rolling in!
Thanks, Varla.
I always liked you.
Evie, let's not quarel anymore, all right?
As a girl, whenever I was cross or blue,
my mother used to say that feelings are like treasures,
so bury them.
Excuse me.
I'm a little chilly. Be right back.
I've really enjoyed these past couple weeks.
Doug, I have, too.
It's funny, isn't it?
You fantasize about something your entire life,
and the truth is always so much more... muted.
Muted?
In the sense of "less joyful. "
But what I've come to realize
is that everything in life is a disappointment.
And in any situation,
you have to ask yourself,
"Can I reasonably expect better?"
And, Coco, I don't think I can.
Mary me.
- Doug, that's not a very- - You can't, either.
You're not much to look at.
You're no great lay.
Quite honestly, you're a drag to be around.
Like I deserve better?
I've got a bum heart. I drink.
I drug and rape my patients.
- You said just me. - And I lie.
What do you say you and I stop chasing happy
and settle for each other?
- This is your college- - It's a fucking ring.
And...
Michael, what are you trying to do, play me into orbit?
That's how it goes.
- Bitch. - I heard that.
Sory.
Bitch.
Singing that song always makes me so proud.
I a-m woman. ERA now!
- Applause, applause, applause. - Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Thank you!
I tell you, I feel like I'm up here tonight
performing in front of all my friends.
You know, sometimes all we have are friends.
Like my friend Varla, TV's Bizzy Gal,
who's so good in those commercials, she actually acts thin.
And now she has a big movie.
But on the brink of all that success,
she was risking everything by working as a prostitute.
So I sat her down-
Oh, my God.
Coco! What did you think? Now, be honest.
Varla gave you the idea to do this show.
She put up money for it.
And I'm repaying the favor.
If something like this got out after she was famous,
it would destroy her like it did her mother.
ou destroyed her mother!
For all the good it did you.
You're just a fucking walking ball of ambition, aren't you, Evie?
You'd step on anybody,
destroy anyone if you thought it would help you.
But you know what's funny?
People can smell it on you, and it makes them gag.
That's why your career never went anywhere.
My career was going like gangbusters
till that family made me run them down!
And all you had to do was say you're sory.
It's not that you didn't, Evie.
It's that you didn't know to.
Audiences require at least a shred of humanity.
Even from their game show personalities.
- Bitch. - I heard that!
Sign here.
And here.
Initial here.
"V.S."- such pretty initials.
Sign here.
It's official. You're a movie star.
I'll show you out.
On second thought...
...let's really seal the deal.
Are you okay? Do you want to stop?
I'm fine.
I'm sory.
This has never happened before.
- What hasn't? - I can't...
Yeah. What's up with that?
I've been so...
I never thought, you know, you and me...
I couldn't stop thinking about you.
And at my practice I work with a lot of investigators.
I had them get stuff on you.
I don't think I like the sound of that.
Nothing creepy.
I was just looking for high school yearbooks,
stories from old boyfriends to beat off to.
But then things started turning up.
Like what kind of things?
Well, like things in your ninth-grade diary.
How did you get that?
A couple goons roughed up your aunt.
"September 8, 1988.
"Evie Haris killed my mom.
I watched her Christmas special, and I hate, hate, hate her. "
And March 15th.
"One day I'm going to find Evie Haris.
"I'm going to make friends with her,
and then I'm going to make her pay, pay, pay, pay... "
The rest is all "pay. "
That was a brillion years ago, before I discovered spiritualicity.
Maybe, or maybe you still want her to pay.
Maybe just happening to answer her ad,
maybe driving her into a jealous rage,
maybe tricking her into spending all of her money on this speci-mercial,
maybe it's all part of some plan.
Why should you even care? She never loved you.
That doesn't mean I can't love her.
Shred of humanity.
Cuts.
Career never went anywhere.
Hello! BaTTlestar fucking Galactica!
Go to bed.
Fuck you!
Cut.
ncut.
Jesus!
I guess you can't fuck your way to the top,
or I'd be queen of the goddamn universe!
Cuts.
- Hello. - Coco awake?
Thought I'd twist her arm for a lie-there.
Well, you could do that.
And then again, I'm already on my back and tanked.
Harder. Harder!
You have to admit, this is kind of its own punishment.
Harder!
So, this is the stage.
What?
Where's the big block letters that say "Evie" like I paid for?
We add that in with the computer later.
Really? Gosh, so much has changed since I was slightly younger.
But you always want to fuck the grips.
The only trick with this set is you can't wear any blue
or any color that has blue in it- no turquoise, no purple.
This is important.
The computer replaces all blue with the fake set.
Speaking of fake sets, how do you like my boobs?
Feel. It's gross, huh?
What's wrong?
Let's save the kisses till I'm sure you mean them.
Of all the nights for the Botox to wear off.
Hello, Evie.
Friends?
- Are you high? - A little bit.
I just came by to ask you one last time
to drop that part about Varla.
You're just mad 'cause I killed your mariage.
Not this time. We're going through with it.
Of course, it won't be charmed like I'd hoped,
and I'll always be a little mistrustful.
You made sure of that.
- Plus, he did rape you. - Fair point.
That's just it, Evie.
You and me, we're damaged goods.
But Varla, at least with her there's hope.
And hope dies quickly enough on its own.
Ninety seconds, people. Who has eyes on Gross Boobs?
Miss Harris. we need you on the set.
Well, I'm on.
This is gonna be like The Mike Douglas Show
and the Democratic Party Telethon all rolled into one.
Good luck, Ma.
Thanks, Stevie.
Good luck, Evie.
Thank you, Coco.
Yes. Good luck.
Miss Harris?
Live fro-m Glendale City College.
it's All About Evie!
Five... four... three...
Look at me, then you'll see
All around you
It's glittery and flashy tonight
It's all about Evie tonight
It's special and dreamy, it's all about Evie
So come and look at me tonight
House with a pool. House with a pool.
Look at me!
I've been with you so long
I find I'- m singing this song
I've had ti-me to think of a way
For -my heart to say
I need you every -mo-ment of every day
I love you - more and -more than I'll ever say
What will I do if you decide to go away?
Stay with me forever
And ever
Stay with me
Thank you!
I love you. too.
God. I tell you. I feel like I'm up here tonight performing
in front of all my friends.
And you know, sometimes all we have are friends.
What?
Nothing.
Like -my friend Varla. TV's Bizzy Gal.
Who's so good in those spots, she actually acts thin.
And now she has a movie!
But on the brink of all that success. she was willing to-
Cat got -my tongue. Let -me just drown hi-m real quick.
That's better.
Oh. boy!
That was peculiar.
- What's going on? - Don't insult my intelligentness.
I just felt a rush of disorientation
and a flash of colored lights.
very -much like when you chop a Vicodin up in your hash
while you're still flying fro-m last night's Quaalude.
I'll say one thing for you- you're poetic.
I'd even swear there was a milligram or two of psilocybin in there.
No, one.
What's that supposed to mean?
But I didn't take anything special tonight-Party!
- I would never. - Then who would?
No. no. the one with sprinkles.
Never mess with the doctor's wife.
Sit down, kids. You'll miss the show.
I can date-rape -myself.
Five. six. seven. eight!
Howie. Fred!
Varla, TV's Bizzy Gal- busy missy sissy.
And her mom...
I can't freeze this.
- ou don't have an agent. - Sleigh gay...
It's huge.
Mad about... Talk... Tom...
Can't be... Goddamn it.
They knew Oxloud was hee naws.
George Peppard-great lay.
But talk about loud!
They knew he was coming in Oxnard.
Wonderful!
Thanks, Jeff.
- It's Nate. - Whatever.
Lorne Greene! "Swell party, Evie. "
Say. did you ever shit out that earring?
Trail mix?
- Trish! - Keep away from Bob!
Hi, Evie.
So...
where's...
Brad? He's packing.
The firm transfered him to Michigan.
Evie, he proposed!
Coco, you can't move to Michigan.
What about your acting career?
Let's face it, I'm not pretty enough to be an actress.
Lots of actresses aren't pretty.
Plus, who's gonna keep my schedule?
You could give doing for yourself a try.
Anyway, you said you don't love Brad.
I could learn.
Don't bother.
And this was my grandmother's! Gimme it!
Pull, you pussy.
So. what do I have on tap for to-morrow?
Mom?
Can I come and play at the party with you?
You'd just be bored.
It's -more fun in there. Mo-m-my. can I live...
...here instead of at boarding school this summer?
We'll talk about it on the way to the airport.
But, Mommy, I want to stay here with you.
I love you.
Of course you do.
But Mommy can't let people know she's old enough to have such a big boy.
You'd ruin everything.
I'll send you lots of money, though.
Coming!
Where is she?
Where is the woman who stole my life?
Marla!
There she is. There...
- ... it is! - Let me get you a drink.
Stevie, come shield Mommy.
No, no, no.
I want you all here for this.
I want you to hear this. Just hear this.
That is not her color.
Why I'm not in Asteroid.
And why my daughter Varla
will never see me in Asteroid...
...and Asteroid 3...
'Cause of her!
Me?
You all just think I'm that crazy girl
from the People's Pick Awards.
But she drugged me!
Mommy's on TV!
And that whole week. there was so -much fucking.
I know just where I'- m puTTing this.
I forgot to thank -my agent.
Mommy!
She's lying!
You don't have to.
None of you.
I don't care anymore.
But I did want you all to see one thing.
Because I practiced so, so much.
It's huge!
Looney Tunes.
How about let's us move the party inside?
Wait.
Everyone...
...don't leave.
Farah. Lee.
Sheila.
Mort, don't you go. I'll switch agents.
- You... - ... don't have an agent.
No! Dan, you can't.
Everybody, it's early! I'll break out the orgy coke.
Heads-up- there's another party at Charo's.
Damn it!
Damn it! Damn it!
Everyone?
Anyone?
Hello?
I can't be alone.
Please.
I'm scared.
I didn't mean to!
You want something, you take it!
If I were a man...
I'm sory.
Thank you.
I'm sory.
I know.
but -most of all.
Everyone!
For all of it, I'm sory!
It's huge!
Good night. everyone!
Good night, you.
- Mom! - Over here.
Well, we're off to Wyoming for this one's big-screen debut.
Tarantulas!
She's already in character.
- Hey, bud, a little help. - Oh, yeah, I gotcha.
That was very good.
It was?
I really thought I had tarantulas.
You're gonna be amazing.
I was woried you might be upset.
I want you to have a big career, Varla.
Big enough for all of us.
That means so much...
Mom.
Congratulations!
Thanks.
And you don't mind about his little...
Once I realized how much I love Stevie,
nothing else mattered.
It's a little small.
Well, we better get going to the airport.
Stevie, I just heard. Come here.
I am so happy for you.
I love you, Mom.
Of course you do.
Well, I'm all packed.
That must be Doug.
Coco, you can do a lot better.
It was never about him.
I'm pregnant.
Really?
Thank you.
And I'm sory about the house.
This old claptrap? I'm glad to be rid of it.
Fresh start.
You gave me herpes.
Need to work on your delivery, hon.
I've heard that line read by the biggest stars in Hollywood.